Well, it’s been an uphill battle being Jonny Cigar. It was raining today. Rained down. Rain rain rain. Big ole bottle of rain pouring down like … rain. Today I made sounds with my mouth – sounds I never imagined I could make. I wrote a song in my head that would easily make the top of the charts, then forgot it, cuz I don’t need the hoopalah. I came up with a book, great idea: boy meets girl, girl falls for boy, boy falls for girls sister, sister falls for another girl, who falls out a window, everyone gets mad, gambling scene, birthday party, blind guy, grande finale. Picked up the phone, started dialin’ – didn’t know any of the people that answered, used to know a lot of people, back in the 90’s. Rain was comin down pretty hard by lunch time, round 5pm. I opened all the windows of my hotel room – there’s about 10 of em – and stood in the middle of the room for an hour and not one drop of rain touched me at all, but all the lamps and furniture was soaked. So basically I lost that bet. Called four women I used to love and told ‘em I was engaged to someone they knew, but I wouldn’t tell ‘em who, hung up, and headed for my walk-in closet. I decided I needed a little competition. I called room-service and asked for a guy with a stop-watch. I took out all my shirts and put ‘em in a pile on the floor. It took me five minutes 39 seconds to tear the collars – just the collars – off each one with my hands, a new record by 46 seconds. The bell boy or manservant or whatever stayed and poured me six scotches and in between drinks I tested him to see how still he could be with a Smith & Wesson pointed at his groin. He stayed pretty damn still! Rain finally let up just after 1:00am and so I called in sick – had a bowl of bourbon and peanuts, then called the concierge and told him I didn’t think I was gonna pay rent this month and if he had an issue with that to come on up stairs and deal with it, said, “man a man” you know “mono a mono” made me think of a song…
Photo by Tim Ireland © 2008
www.irelandstudios.com
