Listen to Jonny talk about his most recent Uphill Battle™, or read about it below in whatever voice you think Jonny should sound like.
Listen to Jonny Cigar’s bartender yack yack yack about is Downhill Battles.
Well, It’s been an uphill battle being Jonny Cigar…last night I killed a spider. I had been out to dinner in New York City, you see. I was with a woman who kept drinking white wine and interrupting my sentences. I had recently lost everything again and this time it had nothing to do with pecuniary peculiarities. I’d never had any money to invest anyway. But I’ve been using the social turmoil that is thick in the air in New York for my own personal self-abuse. I was rich, don’t get me wrong. I had and still have some assets. For instance, I own half of a rock in an obscure part of Yellow-stone national park. It’s a big rock and you can sit on it and sun yourself; at least you can on my half. I’ve got an area of woods fenced off in Upstate New York somewhere I’m pretty sure no one has settled yet, and am pretty sure is still up for grabs. I’ve spent so much time leaning on the railing outside of Elaine’s that by some kind of squatting laws my lawyer says I own it, and don’t think I won’t go and take it when the time is right. Oh, listen! I had a dream two nights ago that Julia Child was doing my taxes and she said the greatest thing to me, she said, “My motto is Mozzarella opens doors!” And so that’s it! Ya know?! I woke up and vowed never to be more than three feet away from a fresh sack of Mozzarella! At the restaurant last it came in handy right away. I fed some to the waitress when the lady was away in the lou and she gave me a big kiss right on the lips! Bam! Mozzarella! Got home, was feeling revved up and I saw this spider out of the corner of my eye. I looked right at him and said, Spider, you got three seconds to move or I’m gonna knock you to Nevada! Cuz we all know that when spiders die, they go to Nevada. Well… I gave the rat two seconds really, and fwap! Sack of mozzarella right in the eye! Eh, really his whole body. Finito. I may not have a thing at all, but I got lots of plans for tomorrow.
